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If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Failure to prepare is preparing to fail.
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
People who say they are perfect have already proven themselves wrong.
Everyone can do one thing better than everybody else... It's usually reading their own handwriting.
Death is a once in a lifetime experience.
If you can't make it good, at least make it look good.
I have secrets so deep and dark, even I don't know what they are.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Women's faults are many, men have just two! Everything they say and everything they do!
I don't know with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity.
Advertising - a judicious mixture of flattery and threats.
Just because you think you're paranoid, doesn't mean someone isn't following you...
Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men.
Grant me patience, but please hurry!
If something is difficult to find... It's like trying to find a fart in a Jacuzzi.
You can never get enough of what you don't need to make you happy.
Things are the way things are only to the people who see them that way.
If you see a talking doll, check it's back for a small plastic ring. If there is no small plastic ring... RUN!
If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment.
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals;
I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
If money could talk, it would say goodbye.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
You may only be one person to the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
Who says nothing is impossible?
I've been doing nothing for years.
The difference between reality and fiction?
Fiction has to make sense.
We should be grateful for subways.
At least they've taken crime off the street.
There is no distance on this earth as far away as yesterday.
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's.
She changes it more often.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Always proof-read carefully to see if you any words out.
Happiness is a path, not a destination.
Seven days without laughter makes one weak.
Of course there's now a higher percentage of seat belt users. The non-users are slowly being killed off.
Never hit a man with glasses.
Hit him with a baseball bat.
When you're arguing with a fool, make sure he isn't doing the same thing.
If you only see one movie this year.....
you should get out more often!
A cynic is a person who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy - in a jar on my desk.
Gravity.
It isn't just a good idea. It's the law.
I'm tired of all the sex on the television. I mean, I keep falling off!
Diapers and politicians need to be changed...
often for the same reasons.
67.9% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
The truth is out there.
Anyone know the URL?
The problem with people who worship themselves is: when they get together, their religions conflict.
In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back.
Nothing is ever a complete failure;
it can always serve as a bad example.
If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.
Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep 'till noon.
Some of the world's greatest feats were accomplished by people not smart enough to know they were impossible.
Modern medicine still hasn't decided whether it's harder on a middle-aged man to mow the lawn himself or argue to get his teenage son to do it.
The 50-50-90 rule:
Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
God gave us all a penis and a brain, but only enough blood to run one at a time.
It's not that I'm afraid to die.
I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route!
Our planet is the mental institution for the universe.
Most people are other people.
Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.
Nothing is as embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn't be done.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
I like work;
it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
Psychotics build castles in the sky, neurotics live in them, and psychologists collect the rent.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Expect the best.
Prepare for the worst.
Capitalize on what comes.
As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.
Only adults have difficulty with child proof caps.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
California is a fine place to live -
if you happen to be an orange.
Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.
The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from.
The chicken came first -
God would look silly sitting on an egg.
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by the government in less than a second.
People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito.
A real person has two reasons for doing anything... a good reason and the real reason.
A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
Laugh at your problems;
everybody else does.
I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't work.
Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot?
For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like.
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.
Money talks... but all mine ever says is good-bye.
A day for firm decisions!
Or is it?
If it jams - force it.
If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%?
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Death only causes pain to those who don't experience it.
I laugh in the face of danger,
then I hide until it goes away.
Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.
Alcohol.
The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.
9 out of 10 men prefer large breasts.
The other man prefers the 9 men.
There are three types of people the world does not understand.
Madmen, geniuses and people who mumble.
Friends are like the backbone.
If you get rid of them, you cannot stand.
Never argue with an idiot.
They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
People are always shocked by news of an event, not by the event itself.
A man travels the world over in search of what he needs, and returns home to find it.



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